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2019-09-24 15:26   作者:新航道   閱讀量:

  Which way would you like to take in order to improve your health?

  A. eat more healthy food or healthier food

  B. do more exercise

  C. reduce stress

  【The following essay is based on a student writer’s response.】


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  People who want tobeing more healthy healthier might may develop have ahealthy nutritious and balanced diet or practice exercise more. However, there is an alternate alternative option which I think is more efficient in achieving this aim goal. It is relieving the pressure in our daily lives / The reduction of stress contributes to improved wellbeing.


  Most people find that it is it hard difficult for them to maintain a healthy diet since it requires people to restrain themselves from eating some less healthy but delicious food their appetite for unhealthful yet delicious foods. 【←前后的邏輯不順暢→ 】Roma Rome was not built in a day. Without proper self-discipline and long-term adherence to healthier healthful eating, people, especially children, may end up eating too much junk food. What's more, if unhealthy cooking methods are used to make food, it will still have some negative effects. For instance, fried food is likely to cause fatness, and exists a potential risk of having cancers. 【中心句提出了“難”這個核心概念,所以論證思路應該是“因為難執行難做到,所以不選”?!俊?However 【副詞為句子狀語,表句子之間的邏輯關系】, many of the foods may be so mouth-watering that people are unable to resist the temptation. Those people who seem to have the strong resolution are however likely to break the fast, ironically 【副詞為句子狀語,表句子之間的邏輯關系】. It thusfollows that making dietary adjustments is not recommended, since it can hardly be executed. 【可舉例也可不舉例。如果舉例,小例子就可以滿足論證的需要】For example, I used to try this method, and failed however,because 【原因狀語從句】 the diverse tempting foods lured meinto having a feast at every meal.


  Physical exercise helps indeed enhances physical our fitness and overall health; so it is a good idea for people to take exercise. However, excessive exercise is not adaptable. Some reports have proven that people with existing heart disease mostly are over training. In addition, doing more exercise might be time-consuming. It will be difficult for people who are trapped by study or work to spare extra time for sports. → the function of our organs improves; our muscles and joints are strengthened; and our minds unwind. Thisoptimal effect is achieved if we are focused on the exercise 【條件狀語從句】. However, so many of the us, busy professionals or students, in so many cases 【介詞短語為句子狀語,表程度or范圍】, are actuallyabsent-minded during exercise, and hardly can the mechanical movements of our body, without our heart put in them, improve our health.


  【建立ideas之間的connection,需要承上啟下的句子】Eitherinfeasible or futile, 【形容詞(短語形式)為句子狀語,表原因or方式】those two methods areunadoptable, and the effectual one is decreasing ourstress levels. 【如何建立順暢的文脈?“頭尾咬合”,即上一句的信息結尾是下一句的信息開頭】 To fulfill the purpose of improving the health, I prefer to reduce the stress. The fact is that being under extreme pressure might lead to many health issues. Will it make people healthier if the stress is mostly reduced? The answer is obvious yes affirmative. As the saying goes, laughter 【突然出現的“新”概念,致使行文邏輯脈絡不順暢,讓讀者困惑】 is the best medicine. By chatting with friends or watching comedies, people can gain happiness after a day's hardship. All these simple things through everyday life reduce their stress and make them optimistic in daily life. → Having unstrained nerves and mind makes a healthy person. Not feeling nervous, 【動詞的(主動)分詞作狀語,表方式or原因】one can have unobstructed train of thoughts, a healthystate of mind, or with the mind cleared,【獨立主格結構作狀語,表方式or原因】a person’s body functions well. Take myself as an example, I used to suffer from a lot of stress, lacking vigor and feeing exhausted. I tried mediation, a popular stress-reduction therapy, which diverted my attention from the daily struggles and vacated my mind. Gradually, my nerves are loosened and revitalized, as a result.


  To sum up, Admittedly, the other two ways may be adopted by some people. My choice is however different. I would like to reduce stress【句子的重點不明確,在方式上還是在目的上?】 in order to improve my health Stress-reduction has proven 【固定用法,用主動,不用被動】 to be an effective way of improving health in my case. Since it can be used to 【多余的動詞會干擾句子的重點,而且致使措辭繁冗累贅】 form a lifestyle which balances people's work and entertainment ensures their physical and psychological health. 【結尾宜籠統,不要糾結于主體部分已經說到清楚明白的內容】



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